Heroes

So, I have a new star crush. Who is it? Well, it's actually no longer Erin eSurance, though I will always treasure the great times we had. I've moved on emotionally. On to a much more refined fellow. He's a little quirky. He says some incredible things. And he seems to have a great time doing it. For that I admire him. Who is he? I'll give you three guesses. And the first two don't count.

Give up?

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran.

This dude is pretty much awesome. I think that every morning he wakes up and says, "Dammit. I'll believe whatever I want to believe, but I'll try to explain it all very rationally. And I'll come out looking a lot smarter than all of the folks who wanted to ask loaded questions." All I know is that I'm guessing that I'll never be asked to speak at Columbia. Especially if any from Columbia ever reads this blog entry.

I don't need to be complimented by the President of Columbia to know that I'm awesome. But it was still pretty awesome.

Brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated? Thank you. Either way, that makes me awesome. Basically, I'm just that darned compelling that all you intellectual elites simply have to listen to me, whether you like me or not. Sort of like Howard Stern. If only I could hire his agent to work out a better package for my next contract. $100 million a year for 5 years? Really? Man. He makes A-Rod look like a bargain. I should probably also start looking around for movie deals. Private Parts was pretty good, but I think that my life story could make half a billion, globally.

Executing criminals? Well, in the under-18 age group, we're #1 in the world. George W's from Texas. He knows what I'm talking about. Besides, I just don't really like kids. You know what I mean. Kids these days. Most of them are punks. I don't know how it's gotten this way. When I was a kid, we had respect for our elders. Now kids just run around listening to their rap music and watching TRL, oblivious to the world.

The Baha'i faith? Come on. Get real. Have you seen these guys? They're worse than the Mormons. They're not even a real religion. They don't believe in anything. It's just a bunch of people going around saying, "I'm OK, you're OK." It's like watching a bunch of hippies, only instead of being atheist, they believe that everything's holy. Lame. You can't really fault me on this one. Who wants to keep getting these damned invitations to their potlucks? Maybe if they had better food, you could get some people to show up. Now those Southern Baptists. Those ladies cook a mean potluck dinner.

Gays? Nope. Sorry. I don't know what's in the water here in the U.S., but we don't have any gays over in Iran. Allah wouldn't allow that to happen. Don't get me wrong. I love me some Queer Eye, but I watch it more for the grooming tips, not because I'm supporting gay people.

Women? I'm reminded of Method Man and Redman in the classic movie, "How High." When Redman saw that he had failed a Women's Studies course, he lamented, "How didI fail Women's Studies? I love bitches." Yes, in Iran, we love bitches, too. In fact, in the words of American hero Isiah Thomas, "Bitch, I don't give a fuck about these white people." Amen, my brother.

Holocaust? Sure, it happened. But we should check the numbers. Six million Jews dead sounds awfully high. I've seen some studies that suggest that 37 is actually a more accurate number. So, until we see some other research, I'll go with 37 Jews dead at the hands of Hitler. But it was still a tragic event.

Israel? Don't get me wrong. I love the Jews. We've got all sorts of Jews here in Iran. I also like the Palestinians. We've uprooted 5 million of those guys for this Israel. Which is a lot more than the 37 Jews that died in concentration camps. Shouldn't we just give the Jews some land in eastern Germany?

In conclusion, thank you for hosting me at your great university. Now if you excuse me, I'll be visiting Ground Zero to offer my sympathies.

Yep. My hero.

-Chairman