Thursday, December 25, 2008

Checking It Twice

As I think about Christmas, I'm in the mood to make lists. Santa has his Naughty/Nice list. We've got our list of New Year's Resolutions (well, not everyone). TMobile has it's Fave 5 List. Dick Vitale has his PTP'er and All-Rolls Royce Teams. Most of my readership knows that I find Christmas to be overrated, particularly from a religious context. But what about from a secular stand point? I'm actually OK with the Christmas season - it's like watching the shit show. You just sit back and watch, and enjoy the unending stupidity of man. But are there some parts that I'm not really a fan of? Of course.

So without any further ado, my Holiday Season Overrated/Underrated lists.

Christmas Shopping
Overrated: Standing in line at 2am to be first to go nuts on Black Friday.
Underrated: Hitting clearance racks after Christmas.

Christmas Present
Overrated: Cars. Really. Who buys his and hers Lexuses for Christmas? Douchebags.
Underrated: Books. People don't read enough anymore.

Christmas Cookie
Overrated: Anything with too much lousy, colored icing.
Underrated: Simple shortbread, butter cookies.

Christmas Eve Tradition
Overrated: Leaving cookies for Santa Claus.
Underrated: Midnight Mass, followed by eating all of Santa's cookies.

Christmas Church Service Music
Overrated: Bells. Pretty lame.
Underrated: Strings. Particularly harps. But violins work.

Drink to Accompany Cookies:
Overrated: Milk
Underrated: Bourbon, rocks.

Morning Tradition
Overrated: Waking up at the crack of dawn to open presents.
Underrated: Waking at the crack of noon to use the bathroom, and the promptly going back to bed.

Holiday TV Programming
Overrated: A Christmas Story. Not as funny as everyone thinks. Lame.
Underrated: Big time NBA matchups. Shaq vs. Timmy, Kobe vs. the Celtics, and LeBron vs... vs... uh? The Wiz? (well, you can't have them all, I suppose)

Christmas Meat
Overrated: None. All meat is wonderful.
Underrated: Rack of lamb. It's really pricey, even when you make it yourself. But boy, is it good.

Christmas Poultry
Overrated: Turducken. Keep it a Thanksgiving thing.
Underrated: Goose and Duck. Old school and underutilized.

Christmas Side Dish
Overrated: Candied yams. Generally, too cloyingly sweet, and the marshmallows are normally mediocre.
Underrated: Ham. Some may say that it's a protein, and thus a main dish. I think that anytime that you can squeeze more smoked pork in a meal, you're obligated to do so. Failing that, roasted chestnuts.

Christmas Ham Preparation
Overrated: Pre-glazed, spiral-sliced.
Underrated: Scoring the ham and making your own glaze (mustard, citrus, berry, honey, spices, and sugar).

Christmas Drink
Overrated: Store-bought egg nog.
Underrated: Homemade egg nog. With bourbon.

Christmas Dessert
Overrated: Nothing, really. But I'm not super fond of anything store-bought.
Underrated: Roasted pears. With bourbon glaze, and good vanilla ice cream.

New Year's Eve Event
Overrated: Non-exclusive, all-inclusive buffet/open bar events. Food's lousy, lines at the bar are long, you're getting free well drinks, and you're generally surrounded by the dregs of the earth.
Underrated: Going out to a good dinner, and then hitting a party with a smartly chosen wet bar.

Anyway, here's to the things that make the Christmas season what it is, for better or worse. The Board Room wishes the best to you and yours. We'll catch you guys soon.

-Chairman

Friday, December 12, 2008

Hoops Dreams

I've talked a little about our adventures on the basketball court back in the day. There was a broad cast of characters, but they guys that are most memorable because of their similarity were Matt, my first roommate, C-Lauff and Westy, who were roommates (C-Lauff later lived with me), and Mikey, who also lived with me and C-Lauff.

Matt was someone who I was usually on the same team with, since we'd show up at the gym together. He and I always worked together well - lots of screens to set up open jumpers and lots of patience with entry passes and kick-outs. Matt wasn't much off the dribble, and wasn't particularly fast, but he was always active. Which is why he was always good to put against Westy. Westy was pretty good at every aspect of the game, but never had one particular strength, other than constantly moving. It always amazed me how Westy would always get cheap buckets by always moving on bad defenders. If you got lost while Westy, you could pretty much count on a layup for your troubles. So, putting Matt on Westy was actually a pretty nice matchup, since Matt wasn't particularly fast, but he'd always just jog along with Westy, who was generally too disciplined to try to force the issue on someone who was still in front of him. Unless it was C-Lauff. If there was one person who Westy would try to go after a little more on offense, it was C-Lauff. I don't recall there ever being a clear victor in those skirmishes. Maybe Westy and C-Lauff can remember some of that rivalry for us.

What was funny was that Matt hated guarding C-Lauff. He couldn't check him at all. C-Lauff was quick enough to beat Matt off the bounce just enough to get off that leaner. C-Lauff pretty much killed Matt. And Matt wasn't the one-on-one player to get back at C-Lauff on the other end of the court, since he wasn't quick enough to beat him, and wasn't strong enough to take him in the block. The neat part was that Matt, C-Lauff, and Westy were all about the same size (a little over 6', and relatively skinny - about 165 pounds).

Then you had me and Mikey, two oddballs in the mix. I'm rolling in there at 5'11" and about 235 pounds (back then - much more now). I don't really recall Westy being matched up on me, but C-Lauff hated guarding me, since I would just try to work him in the post. I don't really know how, but he managed to come as close to blocking my shot as you could possibly get, but he would almost never block it. I just managed to sneak buckets in on C-Lauff. And on the other end, I could force C-Lauff into being a jump shooter. Somehow, I managed to be able to cut off the baseline on him just enough to keep him from getting the idea of putting that leaner up on me. I think that C-Lauff just didn't like the contact. On the other hand, Matt thrived on fouling the crap out of me. He definitely wasn't afraid of hacking and pushing on me before and after I got the ball. I was never particularly effective against Matt, since I didn't have the heart to elbow him in the chops on my way up to the hoop. And Matt scored on me a little more than you would expect, as he put up this little hook shot that I could never do much about. It was strange. If you had a game where Matt guarded me, I guarded C-Lauff, and C-Lauff guarded Matt, you may get a 0-0-0 tie.

Where you would not get a tie was if I played against Mikey. Mike was about 5'9", 170 pounds, and lightning quick. I'd get matched up with Mikey every once in a while, and neither of us could guard the other at all. I'd just completely sag off of him, and give him about 5 feet, and that jumper, out to 20 feet. If I close out on him, I'd steal the ball once every 10 times. The other 9 times, he'd just beat me and get a layup. My best defense was to hope that he's take a bad jumper (which was not his strong point). On the other hand, Mike was too short to guard me. I was smart enough to not dribble more than 2 times on him, since he'd steal the ball if that happened, but I would set up a power dribble, and just shoot over him. And failing that, just back him down on the block. If we played one-on-one, it would be one of those games, where the first person to miss would lose. And it was roughly the same story with Mikey and the other guys. The other guys could score on Mikey if they used their height, which they all managed to do reasonably well. But as soon as they started to dribble, the advantage would switch over to Mikey.

What was always funny to me was that we never all played on the same team, whether it was in IM's or in church tourneys. I think it was a difference in style for me and Westy. Westy was smart. He'd find people who were better than he was, and would actually form competitive IM teams, and C-Lauff would play with Westy. I was a sucker, and would have open invites, and end up with a bunch of stiffs from Bible study (sorry, Schultzie!) or the band kids that Mikey lived with. Westy and C-Lauff would always be complementary players on teams that made deep runs. Me, Matt, and Mikey would always be the best players on teams that would just make/miss the playoffs, and just come up short.

Perhaps one of the more interesting tourneys was one where C-Lauff, Mikey, and me ended up on the same team, for our church's basketball tourney - the Pineapple Classic. Matt had graduated already, and Westy ended up playing with a different team. But C-Lauff and Mikey and I had decided that we were going to rep TFS (our old apartment's moniker). So, we had us 3, and people from our Bible study (Schultzie, Dunn, and a couple others, as I recall). We ended up playing against a very tall team, that had one guard and 4 guys all 6'3" and bigger than us. It was getting a little fiesty, particularly after C-Lauff took it to the hole, and got nailed with a cheap shot from their little guy (go figure - the little dude takes the cheap shot and his bigs have to defend him). The ball scored, but they didn't give us the point, since he had called a foul. The tourney rules hadn't said anything about continuation or not, but we had been playing with continuation for the first couple games. So, not only was there a heated discussion about the play, but the little guy who committed the foul was acting like a punk, and mouthing off. So, I made a bold statement.

"Fine. Check ball. But you'd better not come into the lane."

On our next defensive possession, I was playing with one foot in the lane when one of their bigs came down low on C-Lauff. I went over and clobbered him on his way up, knocking him down. I stood over here, and I said something like, "I told you that you'd better not come in here." And then their little guy drove down the lane, and I clobbered him, and he made the bucket, but had called a foul. Without even blinking, I said, "Check ball. No bucket. He called foul."

Up to that point, they had controlled the offensive glass and their little guy had actually driven for a handful of layups on Mikey. After I clobbered those two guys, even though they were much bigger than us, they played with 5 guys on the perimeter, and the little guy didn't try to drive the lane again. So in the process of sticking up for C-Lauff, I also managed to change the flavor of the game by absolutely thugging one of their bigs and their little guy who had the big mouth. It ended up being one of the ugliest games I've ever played in, and even though we ended up losing a close game, one of the more memorable ones. Sadly, we weren't good enough to carry us, and we didn't have enough of a supporting cast to bail us out, but I think that was one of the more fun TFS bonding experiences. And as I recall, Westy played with the Teefey's and some folks from IV or Cru, and ended up winning. And I'm guessing that he didn't have to go and clobber anyone. Oh well. Like I said, Westy was always smarter than us.

Over the last 4 or 5 years, I've had all sorts of knee issues. And everytime I thought that I was going to regain my form as a pick-up game warrior, I came crashing back down. On numerous occasions, I've posted here about how I thought that I was back. And I really did believe it. But every time, within a week or two, I'd have banged up knees again, and wouldn't be able to run or jump. The sick part was that in that stretch, I actually had some games where I played like I used to, where I could control the ball on offense, defend the block on defense, and be one of the better players on the court. Of course, that would lead to wishful thinking that I was back, followed up by the next outing, where my legs just didn't have anything, and I couldn't move.

For the last 8 months or so, the knees have been relatively pain free. And I've been playing basketball, a little less than once a week, with mixed results. I was out of shape and had lost what little explosiveness I had. I was limited to guarding bigs down low. I had improved as a spot-up shooter, but had lost my entire mid-range game, and really, had lost my decent post game. I could still muscle up a couple shots, but I couldn't actually get legit looks, even down low. I had somewhat resigned myself to being a thug on the blocks for the rest of my pick-up career, which actually is sort of cool. But then about 4 weeks ago, I noticed that I was getting a little higher on rebounds, and was comfortable with the ball in my hands for a couple dribbles. And more importantly, I noticed that I was able to play ball more than once a week.

For the last few weeks, I've been going up to the gym 2 times a week with the sole intention of playing pick-up hoops. And for the last few weeks, I've gotten better everytime out. Part of it is getting into a little better shape, though I'm still woefully out of shape. But the most enjoyable part for me is that I'm starting to be able to do cool things on the court again.

A couple days ago, I was running with 4 little guys, so I was the rebounder and low-block player. They weren't particularly great, but they were OK enough to get us out to a little lead. But then, they got tired, and the other team came back on us, and actually tied the game up at 9. I force my guy into an ugly shot, and pull the rebound. Normally, I just turn and throw out a hard outlet pass up the court to let my guards force the tempo. But I wanted to slow the game down and give myself a possession on offense to take back control of the game.

I had a big guy guarding me. Maybe 6'4", 250 or so, but soft. I was definitely shorter, but was a lot stronger than this guy. I had given him fits on defense, but hadn't really made him guard me on offense, as I had stayed outside, and drew him out to open up the lanes for our small guys. I figured that it was time to change things up. I walked the ball up into a 1-4 high set. I had hit an outside jumper earlier, so my guy didn't sag on me. This time he decides to actually guard the ball on me, and I see him start to attack my dribble, which was perfect, since I was looking drive on him. I take a hard dribble to my right, which I knew he wanted to cut-off. This sets me up to go back left. I give him probably the best crossover that I've ever had and blow by him clean, and rumble down the lane. I had a great takeoff, and actually got up in the air unchallenged.

And then I bricked the lay-in. Go figure.

I was a little angry, but was also laughing hysterically. I settled myself, and actually ended up closing the game out nicely. I had a play where I was being fronted in the block, and my guard threw a terrible entry pass fromt the top of the key. I actually jumped up and reached over my defender to grab the ball, and in one motion, turned 180 degrees in the air, landed, and went back up for a lay-in. And I had another one where I was setting a screen on the block for my guy to come across the lane and out to the wing, when I see a terrible shot/pass go up. I manage to come off of the screen, jump over a defender who had his back to the play, get the ball, and flip in a reverse lay-up on the other side of the hoop.

Now, I'm still not quite confident enough to try to force the issue off the bounce to set up my midrange jumpers. And when I have the ball, I'm still generally looking to set up screen-roll, rather than take my guy off the dribble. But, I'm working pretty good in the post, and getting a couple buckets off of hustle, which is a happy result. The plan is to keep playing ball twice a week, pushing myself to play that 4th game each time I'm out, and to slowly get back to handling the rock on offense, and maybe even forcing the issue once or twice a game, when my team needs a bucket.

Who knows. Maybe I'll get myself in shape for another run at IM's next year :-) Sadly, we don't have Westy, C-Lauff, Matt, or Mikey around to take a shot at it together.

-Chairman

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Democratic Process: Giving Props

This is a leftover from last month's election day results that I never got around to finishing until now...

You have love democracy. A democratic process where one man gets one vote. No matter how incredibly smart and influential that man is, he only gets one vote. And no matter how poor, uneducated, unintelligent, etc. that man is, he gets the same vote.

Okay. So maybe it isn't the most efficient form of government. In fact, I was reminded of this when I saw some of the celebrations after Obama won. Let's just say that when some dude with a sideways baseball cap who is flashing gang signs for the camera at a political rally gets the same power that I do, I sort of wonder about how efficient this process actually is.

But dammit, it's our form of government. Sort of. We're not really in a democracy, but sort of a hybrid democratic republic. For the most part, we don't get to vote on laws. We elect officials, who then propose and pass laws. So that's a republic. But every once in a while, we get good ol' fashioned democracy. This time around, it happened out in California.

I don't really say this often, but I have to give some props to the folks out in Cali. Why? They gave their props to the democratic process... Prop 8, specifically. In case you weren't aware, they were trying to legalize gay marriage out in California.

Now, there's a phrase, that just goes against everything I believe in.

Gay Marriage.

I'm not really a fan of gay. I'm not homophobic. I think that homophobia is usually a misnomer. I'm not really afraid of gays, per se. I don't really care who's sleeping with who. I just don't like the culture or values of the homosexual community. Maybe that makes me homosexist, or maybe anti-gay. But not homophobic. We need to find a better word, anyway. But the gist of this is that I don't like "gay" (actually, I think that preferred term is "queer" ) culture.

And marriage. Those cultural values may be even worse. I mean, who wouldn't want to go out to pick moldings and curtains at Home Depot on a Sunday afternoon, instead of recovering from Saturday night, while watching the games, and reveling in being awesome. And who doesn't want to have extra pillows on the bed that you never really use, and aren't even comfortable enough to use even if you had to.

All I can say is that if you have a proposition to ban gay culture, I could see myself taking the time to go vote. And if you had a proposition to ban the institution of marriage, again I could see myself voting. But a proposition to ban both in one fell swoop? I'm surprised that I didn't establish residency in California so that I could vote. Heck, I'd consider voting twice.

But that would have been a lot of work. The good people in California (in particular, the Mormons), saw fit to go out and vote down gay marriage. Which saved me the trouble. In any case, I'm just glad that we can violate civil rights in an orderly, democratic fashion. Because that's what I'm about.

-Chairman