Enfranchisement

I've decided that we're hypocrites. In this country, we are actively disenfranchising voters in Florida and Michigan in the Democratic primaries. Additionally, our voter turnouts are so low that we've resorted to campaigns by hip-hop stars to try to get people to vote.

I'm glad that these people are influencing how people vote.

Meanwhile, out in Zimbabwe, we have a real-life hero not just talking game, but actually living out game. Who is this man? Mugabe. No, not the bad guy in Zoolander. And that was Micronesia. Mugabe is running the show in Zimbabwe. And you know that he means business because he's wearing a sash. This means either a) he's just won Miss Teen USA, b) he's getting crunk on your 21st birthday, or c) he runs a moderate sized dictatorship in Africa.

Mugabe? Mugatu? Whatever. Respect the sash.

Do we praise him for creating record voter turnouts? No, we're talking about how he's intimidating people into voting. Does this look intimidating? Hardly. This is a very orderly line. Compare this to the lines outside of Best Buy the day after Thanksgiving.

The line to get in wraps around the block. This party must be jumpin'.

I think that we need a little Mugabe in this country to get people out to the polls. For example, look at me. Do I vote? Of course not. Why do I not vote? I have no intention of listening to P.Diddy tell me about civics. Now, if it was Suge Knight or Louis Farrakhan, I'd probably think twice. But Diddy? Or Paris Hilton? Okay. That's going to work. Do you know what would get me to vote?

A little encouragement helps oil the wheels of civic duty.

Exactly. If Michael Irvin was to chase me with a giant stick until I voted, you bet that I'd be voting. Probably twice. All I got to say is this. You gotta suffer if you want suffrage.

-Chairman