Even the Fights are Lame...

Don't get me wrong. I love me some fundamental basketball. But that doesn't mean that I particularly like to watch fundamental basketball on TV. So let's just say that I'm not a huge fan of women's basketball on TV. I actually like the guard play that I see - there are some talented chicks that could run in just about any pick-up game with the guys, and probably dominate most of them. These gals can shoot and pass at an elite level. My problem is actually with the bigs. Most of the 4's and 5's that you see are these plodders. Think of the goofy, white centers that you used to see in the NBA. Greg Ostertag comes to mind as one of the better ones. Not much in the way of skill or athleticism. But he was tall and big, and could make a little 4 footer. That's what most of the bigs that I've seen in women's basketball remind me of.

Greg Ostertag (right) scores on a fundamentally sound, but aesthetically displeasing, layup.

Of course, there are some notable exceptions. Lisa Leslie is like a KG sort of player in the women's game. Tall, lanky, can play inside or outside, can shoot, dribble, or post. And another one is Candace Parker, who can actually "dunk." Sort of - if you count laying the ball in the rim, and hanging on the rim dunking, which admittedly is more than I could ever do, with a basketball, at least (Full disclosure: I was able to "dunk" a tennis ball, but that was because I'd just put it between my finger tips). But Parker's definitely got game. The problem is that many of the effective players aren't aesthetically pleasing, and neither are their games. Courtney Paris, daughter of former 49er offensive lineman Bubba Paris comes to mind.

Paris (left) scores a touchdown to put the Sooners ahead, 42-3.
This picture is representative of the Oklahoma-Baylor "rivalry" on a general level.

But then I hear about The Brawl and the Place II, and I had a glimmer of hope for women's basketball. If women could resort to violence to settle their problems, then perhaps there was potential for the WNBA, after all. But after reviewing the film, I've decided that the fight sucked, too.

Angry black women pushing and shoving: A highlight from the 8th season of Cheaters.

There was so much potential. The NBA is notorious for having terrible fights. Think back to Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning pawing at each other like, well, girls. So, if we could have had a true, Hanson Brothers, hockey-style fight, that would have totally redeemed the WNBA, and shown us where girls can be better than the boys.

The Hanson Sisters, circa 1997, showing us that girls can be better than boys. The young one is hot.


Correction: The previous photo of the Hanson brothers featured the bitch-pop trio, not the fictitious trio from Slap Shot. The Board Room regrets the error.

Long story short - tempers flare when Plenette Pierson, a journeywoman player, who scores 9 points per game, takes a cheap box-out on Candace Parker during a meaningless free-throw, with the game over, and takes her down. Some other lesbian comes over and tackles Parker, and Parker takes a swing. Then there's some sort of pushing and yelling. And then nothing. The best thing that happened? DeLisha Milton-Jones (no, I'm not making that name up) attacked Rick Mahorn from behind, looking like a little Mexican wrestler attacking Andre the Giant.

DeLisha Milton-Jones prepares to swing.

Andre the Giant ultimately prevails.

I was waiting for Mahorn to turn around and choke slam her, but sadly, that was not to be.

Oh well. Maybe next time.

-Chairman