Introspection

Yeah. So I march to the beat of a different drummer. I'm a pretty social person. I don't mind talking to people, and generally thrive in group settings. But it also seems that I also like to ride solo a lot, do my own thing, and make my own path. I have these different lives, almost in a schizophrenic sort of way. And I think that I'm cool with that. So where I am right now?
Basically, I'm a Ph.D. student. What does that mean? Well, basically, I'm a lone wolf. I'm left to my own devices to find drive, meaning, and reward in my work. There isn't a reward system that is obvious. Right now, it has to be internal drive. Which is good and bad for me. I knew that the direction that I've chosen was definitely unique, but I don't know if I really considered everything to the extent that I should have.

From what I've seen, academia is a lonely life. It's long hours, spent on your own, reading, thinking, and writing. And there's an allure for that sort of life. It's just me and the paper, with a world of ideas in between. I forge my own success, and I'm responsible for my own failure. Generally, I love that scenario because success is what I define it. If I'm pleased with what I've done, then I win. If not, then I lose. It's simple, it's clear-cut. And it's enough to drive you insane at times.

I've found that I just don't seem to blend in with the rest of the doctoral students. I don't know if there's anyone in my department that I can really jive with. Most of the program comes from overseas. Most of them are married. Just about all of them are older than me. They have husbands, wives, and children to go home to. I have Bobo, who is pretty awesome, but it's not quite the same. He doesn't cook and clean

Of course, I don't really want to go out and make friends with everyone right now, either. I want to get to work and take care of business. I want to take care of my classwork, my research, and then go work out and play ball, and play poker once a week with the guys. That's about it. It's sort of strange. I know that I should be around people, and not so secluded. But right now, there's so much swirling around in my head. In some respects, I'm just tired. I need to figure out a lot of things.

I think that I've lost touch with God. And to some extent, I've been okay with that. I'm not really sure what I need to do. The intellectual Christian is still present, and as alive as ever. I don't know if you ever lose touch with the things that you read in scripture. The person that sees God as Lord and master is still there. I am okay with following and obeying in terms of the disciplines that we're called to. But the person that sees God as redeemer and friend? Not so much. Right now, God isn't personal. He just is. I don't deny His existence, nor do I discredit His power. I just am too blind to see that it directly affects me.

I need to figure out what God really means. We're told things about how to live. Some of these make very much sense, while others seem just strange or unobtainable. I need to figure out what it means for me to live like I'm following the almighty God, and not just giving it lip service. I wonder if I'm just bored. Who knows.

Anyway, it's bedtime - up and at 'em tomorrow - take care of some work in the morning, go lift in the early afternoon, catch some lunch, and then work until I go to the volleyball match at night. Until next time.

-Chairman

Art and life...

...life and art.

The distinction seems to blur. I spent some time with my friend Ron in his studio earlier today. It was pretty neat chilling out, seeing what Ron was working on, and sort of picking his brain. I found the similarities between the artistic process and the academic research process was much greater than I had thought. There were all sorts of parallels. Ron described how Jackson Pollack helped transform art from just being the execution of the concept into what it is today - something that encompasses the process as well. He talked about how it was more than just the idea, but sometimes art happens when you simply allow a process to happen, and see the result - rust on a steel beam, bricks in a salt kiln. It reminded me of two things - tea and storytelling.

Tea? There are these teapots that are very common in Chinese culture. They're works of art, highly collectible, and of course, serve tea in a proper way. I remember this summer being in China, and hearing some of the stories, seeing some of the tea sets. A story stuck out in my mind. I was told some of the tea sets were so seasoned that eventually, they didn't even need tea leaves to make tea. These teapots were able, over time, to capture the essence of the tea so well that by simply pouring hot water into the teapots (and the cups) that the result would be this tea that had a distinctive flavor that was savored. It's not quite turning water into wine, but it's pretty darned cool.

The other thing was storytelling. Or, to be more specific, listening to storytellers. I've been doing some various forms of marketing research now. What got me into the Ph.D. program was my interest in the low literacy work that I was doing. In my research, we do experiments, but in administering these questionaires, there's a very interactive component where we actually read the questions and possible choices to the respondents. This leads to an ongoing conversation with the person that you just don't get in the typical experimental setting. Instead of having 50 college kids who don't want to be there, other than to get extra credit, and want to leave as soon as possible, you have a single individual who is very excited that you want to talk to them, and they tell you so much more than you would expect. You hear the story, and all that they tell you in addition to the study that you've designed. And I think that you learn so much more.

So what does this have to do with anything. A couple things. The first is the tool and the medium as art. It's not just the ideas that we have, but also how we go about expressing them that is the art. This rings true for me right now as I try to figure out how I want to develop my doctoral program. I need to figure out the methods that will best address the research questions that I'm interested in. The second is the observation of the effects of the world as art. Looking into the world, this just strikes me as a great way to learn about how people are. If you take the time to listen to a story, and to really let them tell you what you're curious about, you can find out so much more than if you just treat people as a number. Looking introspectively, Just like that teapot that picks up all of the essence of the tea to, by being immersed in the right environment, I can eventurally develop into something that creates value out of something as common as water.

More on life - GQ and Becca are getting married, as of last Saturday (officially, anyway). Just when I thought that the weddings were going to die down, next summer is looking busier and busier. I've got Tim getting hitched up in mid-May, GQ in early June, C-Lauff in late June, Joe in September, and OD in early October. Yikes. And who knows who else is going to crop up.
And Schultzie because a daddy this morning. Jon Everett Schultz III came into the world at a length of 20" and about 8 and a half pounds. And I'm wondering when more people are going to start having kids. Just strange. Life goes on. Maybe I should grow up at some point. But what fun will that be?

-Chairman

Self-Regulating Systems

This is nice. I have a week "off" to get all sorts of things done. I've got 3 term papers to write up over the next few weeks, 1 journal article to get submitted, and I've still got a fiction novel and a book on nanotechnology to write up. So what have I done thus far? Not a darned thing. I've managed to get myself out of bed on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, so that's worth celebrating. I even managed to play some ball on Saturday and Sunday. I was supposed to work out on Monday, but I decided to get a haircut, instead. Because that sort of activity can really wear you out. I've managed to do a little cooking, but nothing too intense. Just a little experimenting, making some stuffing and gravy, working on some easy desserts, that sort of thing. And I've managed to watch a lot of football. So it's been productive, I guess.

What amazes me is how the body is able to regulate itself, probably more effectively at the subconscious level than at the conscious level. I've never really thought it about it much, but how often you think to yourself, "boy, I didn't realize that I was that tired." I marvel at how the body just seems to know when it needs to slow down, or even shut down, before it allows us to kill ourselves by running around. For weeks, I've been pushing myself, studying, trying to work out, and generally not getting enough sleep. I've sort of let myself get worn down, by only getting 6 hours a night during the week, and really not letting myself on the weekends because I've been going out on Friday and Saturday, and then not sleeping in on Sunday. And I hadn't really noticed it, but I've been tired. I think back to a few years ago when I was on co-op. Every morning started at 7:15 because I had to get to work by 8. And I was going out with friends until about midnight every night. But, every Saturday and Sunday, I had no responsibility, so I got as much sleep as I wanted. The body always felt fresh.

So what's the difference now? Saturday isn't quite so bad now, but there are occasional football games and tailgating and such that makes you get up early. And getting up after going out and getting 5 hours of sleep isn't so hot. And every Sunday, I get up at 9:15 to play ball with my usual crew. Which generally means that I get maybe 6 hours of sleep that night. So, every weekend, instead of letting myself recharge, I'm going out, staying out too late, and not getting enough sleep.

Now what amazes me is how the body just lets you know that it needs rest. Friday was sort of low key - went to the basketball game, and then hung out with my roommate Jonathan and some other folks, playing cards and whatnot over at Sydney's place. Got to bed by 2, and then slept for 9 hours. But the body was so tired that I didn't get anything done - just hung out and played around in the kitchen, and zoned out in front of the TV. I wanted to get some work done, but the head was so hazy and cloudy all day that I couldn't get anything good down on paper. So I hit the gym for a little hoops and a quick lift. That normally clears up my head. But it didn't. The brain wasn't going to work, so I just punted - zoned out, watched sports for the rest of the night. Got myself a solid 9 hours on Saturday night.

And you'd figure that things would be fine on Sunday. Basketball wasn't until 11, and I played until about 1:30. I played pretty well, and had a lot of energy, but that afternoon, the head just wasn't clear, yet. No work was going to get done that afternoon. So I just hung out and watched more football (notice a theme here?) in the afternoon, and went out to chill with my buddy CJ that night. Again, got to bed before it was too late, and gave myself another 9 hours that night.

And the plan for Monday? Lift when the gym opens at 11, get lunch, work all afternoon, and go hang out for a little bit at night. Did it work? Of course not. The body just wasn't ready to get to work - the head was still hazy. So how did the day look? Mope around a little bit in the morning, catch some lunch, and then go out and get a haircut in the afternoon. After I got back from the haircut, I entertained the thought of working out, but instead just took a shower to get the little bits of hair out, and then took a nap. The plan was to get back up by 6:45, but I just ignored the alarm, and let the chips fall where they were going to fall. So how did this end up? A nice 5 hour nap, from 5 until 10, just in time to get up and catch the tail end of (you guessed it) Monday Night Football. I know, I know. Inspiring.

How does that work? A 5 hour nap? After getting good sleep all weekend? I think that it's just the body telling me that I need to get some rest before I get ready for takeoff again. I think that I'm ready to get back to work, and regardless of what the body tells me, it's time to get to work. Will this actually happen? I think so because if it doesn't, I'll probably end up killing myself for the rest of the semester, which is no good, either.

So what's going to be next? Well, if nothing comes up that just needs to be written about, I'm going to talk about this epidemic going around where all of my friends are getting engaged and married. That one's got potential.

-Chairman

Must See TV

You know. For a while, I was thinking that there wasn't a whole lot going on that was interesting enough to write about. And then I was watching TV on Friday. More specifically, I got to see possibly the most wonderful thing on TV in my recent memory. It was more wonderful than a nekkid Nicole Sheridan jumping into my man T.O.'s welcoming arms. Yep. Ron Artest and and rest of the Indiana Pacers showing the fans of Detroit what's up. My first thought? Jimmy Kimmel was right!

I love seeing that doofy white dude who was proud of himself for throwing his drink on a guy who was just laying there on the scorer's table. He's sitting there, jumping up and down, waving his arms in the air, cheering himself for his boner move, and then all of a sudden, it hits him. His life is about to end. There's a big, angry, black dude coming at him. That look on his face? Priceless.

That was just great. Then things finally get settled down, and Ronnie walks back on the floor, and walks by his bench. Right into the 2nd best part of the whole escapade. Some fat, dumb, Puerto Rican-looking dude decides to wander off on the floor in the middle of this brawl. Then, it gets better. He runs into Ron Artest, and starts jawing at him, and makes a fist, just in time to get hit in the mouth by a professional athlete. What does that thought process look like? "Hmmm... there's a brawl going on, let's walk on the floor. That would be cool. Hey! That's Ron Artest. He's like 6'7", 200 pounds, and black. He just got done beating up some fans in the stands. He has a history of mental unstability. Let's go up to him and make fun of his mom. What could possibly go wrong?"

So Artest gets pulled off of that guy, before he ends his life. So just when our chubby, Latnio friend is getting up, he runs into his 2nd angry black athlete that night. Or at least, he ran into said athlete's fist. Enter Jermaine O'Neal. 6'11", 220 pounds of angry black man. And his running haymaker. That was awesome - straight out of Street Fighter 2. He just runs full speed, and throws a huge right hand that catches our friend flush in the mouth, sending him back on his ass.

At that point, we had police threatening to spray people with pepper spray. There were angry fans who were throwing whatever they could get their hands on. There were fans who were pretending to be angry so that they could be cool and dump soda on players. There were children crying in the stands. There were professional athletes hitting whatever was moving. It was just wonderful. All that was missing? People getting hit over the head with steel chairs while the referee was distracted.

Now I hear that our friends Ron Artest and Jermaine O'Neal are going to be suspended for a while. Ronnie for the rest of the season, and Jermaine for 25 games. That's sort of a bummer. I guess that basketball will go back to being boring to watch. Which is too bad.

-Chairman

Make Sure That You Whisper

So I have this new toy. It's like something that I just need to keep playing with. I don't think that I'll every really settle on a color scheme.

Anyway, today's commentary is about the rumor mill and living in a fishbowl. I'm going to intentionally leave things vague, in case someone I'm not expecting to read my blog reads my blog.

So I'm sitting in my class last week, just sort of zoning out before class when one of my classmates comes up to congratulate me on getting an article published. Now, my response if one of minor shock. First, I hadn't gotten anything published. While I was in the process of getting a journal submission together with my professor, it was far from done. We had gotten a nice e-mail from the journal editor about how he thought that our work would fit the bill for this special issue that they were putting out. I mean, I was really excited about this, but I hadn't really gone off and told any of my classmates. I think that I may have mentioned something off hand to two of my professors, but didn't think much about it.

But sure enough, after my first classmate comes up, another classmate comes over and offers his congratulations, and I need to explain again that we were still far from having an article published. I just sort of shrug and chalk it up to the ol' water cooler conversations. Of course this week, another guys, who was in a different program, but was in one of my classes came up to congratulate me, as well. And I was just chagrinned. And to top it all off, I just figured that all of the guys who had commented to me were also first year students, that it was just a little something that the first years had caught wind of.

So earlier today, one of the 3rd years (a real superstar in this program - does great research, really on the ball) comes up to shake my hand and compliment me for getting something out to a journal in my first year in the program. And all I could do was just smile and shrug. I didn't really know how the word travelled, but it was out there. Oh well.

Ordinarily, this would be all fine and dandy, but I was thinking about the added pressure that's on me to make sure that we get an article out there now. Ouch. If this one falls through, this will not be so hot. As if I didn't have enough pressure going, anyway. I guess that I can deal with that this time.

But the thought of having this sort of thing for the next 3 or 4 years? That's not particularly appealing. I guess that it's a fact of life that people gossip, and word travels fast, both good and bad. And we're a small program where everyone knows everyone, and everyone interacts with everyone. I think that this happens in the workplace, too, but it's sort of new to me. My academic programs were always sort of afterthoughts, so I never really interacted with a whole lot of people, so I wasn't a part of the rumor mill. At least, if I was, it never really got back to me.

The moral of this story? I don't think that I could ever live in a small town. That, and for once, I need to be more guarded with my words. The things that you say, no matter how little, may come around to haunt you. And similarly, the things that you say may affect others in ways that you don't necessarily see.

Anyway, this weekend, I need to get a lot of work done (I actually need to get working on this journal submission, as well as term papers and other work). You probably won't hear from me for a few days. Be good. Until later...

-Chairman

Aye? Nay? Well, It Appears, the Eh's Have it!

Alright. First shot at this blog thing. Just a brief one tonight, mainly to say hello. My goal is to put up a posting once a week, every week, no matter how brief and inane or long and involved. We'll see how that goes.

The first thought - the election. I have to say that I am proud that my team won on Tuesday. This country has about 280 million people. Figure that 210 million of them are of voting age. Bush got about 59 million. Kerry got about 55 million. Nader got about 12 votes. That means that my team got the rest of them, about 95,999,988 of them. That's right. Indifference wins! Here's to everyone who didn't go vote!

In all seriousness, I strongly believe in the necessity of democracy. I love how this country is a forum for voices to be heard, and I love how time and time again, the voice of the people speaks. I love how gay rights activists can put forth their ideas, pushing their causes. And I love how the majority can show up to the polls and refuse to be bullied by special interest groups, and crush the gay marriage movement in 11 states. What this system claims to do, it does well. And I salute it.

However, I do have a bit of an issue right now with the state-federal dichotomy. See, I'm definitely a state's rights sort of guy. I think that people on the ground have a better feel of what's needed for a specific situation better than the command central. Big picture things, I'm OK with Washington DC taking the lead on. But local issues? I have a suspicion that states are often too big for their own good.

Why does Chicago's voice completely dominate that of the rest of the state? Why does NYC do the same? Why aren't they their own separate entities? Wouldn't that seem to make sense? If people in a large population differ greatly from the rest of the state, shouldn't they have laws that suit their needs? Shouldn't they have Senators and Representatives that will speak for them?

Ordinarily, I'm all for voting and the democratic process, but this time I stayed home. Why was that? My vote would not have mattered. I'm in Illinois. Kerry won by 11 points. He probably won Chicago by about 30 points. Chicago completely overshadows the rest of the state. My vote is negated by the huge mass that is Chicago. Does that speak for me? Not at all. How would I have voted has my vote mattered? Probably Bush, mainly because he seems likable and Kerry seems stiff. Probably because I'm used to Bush, and unfamiliar with Kerry. Probably because Bush is entertaining, and Kerry is the opposite of entertaining.

Issues? Eh. Iraq? Neutral. Economy? Seems okay to me. I'm making more money than I was 8 years ago under Clinton (of course, I was making $9/hr at a summer office job before my freshman year in college). Terrorism? Bush seems to be doing fine, though I'm a little upset that things take longer at the airport. Morals? Both seem like good enough guys. I'm not a big fan of Kerry's wife, though I really dig her 57 sauce. That stuff is awesome.

It just seems that both candidates are so darned similar. Rich dudes, either inheriting wealth and power, or marrying into it. Either way works for me. Not much different. But Kerry's party opens up a huge Pandora's Box. The Republicans have a good sense not to go too overboard to the right, lest they offend their slightly right-leaning base. However, the Democrats do not. They know that the majority of people stay in the central, yet their agenda seems overwhelmingly left. And that scares me. There are already enough people who don't share my views speaking for me.

In case you're still reading, this blog has no rules. There's no editing for content. I'm just letting it rip, and not really going back to check the integrity of my logic. I could very well be wrong. Tonight was politics. Probably won't see politics for another 4 years. You'll hear a good amount of sports. Maybe some social commentary. I'm sure that you'll hear about my personal life. Probably about my professional life, too. Either way, this is one of my contributions to the mundane lives of those who would choose to read.

Enjoy.

-Chairman