Introspection

Yeah. So I march to the beat of a different drummer. I'm a pretty social person. I don't mind talking to people, and generally thrive in group settings. But it also seems that I also like to ride solo a lot, do my own thing, and make my own path. I have these different lives, almost in a schizophrenic sort of way. And I think that I'm cool with that. So where I am right now?
Basically, I'm a Ph.D. student. What does that mean? Well, basically, I'm a lone wolf. I'm left to my own devices to find drive, meaning, and reward in my work. There isn't a reward system that is obvious. Right now, it has to be internal drive. Which is good and bad for me. I knew that the direction that I've chosen was definitely unique, but I don't know if I really considered everything to the extent that I should have.

From what I've seen, academia is a lonely life. It's long hours, spent on your own, reading, thinking, and writing. And there's an allure for that sort of life. It's just me and the paper, with a world of ideas in between. I forge my own success, and I'm responsible for my own failure. Generally, I love that scenario because success is what I define it. If I'm pleased with what I've done, then I win. If not, then I lose. It's simple, it's clear-cut. And it's enough to drive you insane at times.

I've found that I just don't seem to blend in with the rest of the doctoral students. I don't know if there's anyone in my department that I can really jive with. Most of the program comes from overseas. Most of them are married. Just about all of them are older than me. They have husbands, wives, and children to go home to. I have Bobo, who is pretty awesome, but it's not quite the same. He doesn't cook and clean

Of course, I don't really want to go out and make friends with everyone right now, either. I want to get to work and take care of business. I want to take care of my classwork, my research, and then go work out and play ball, and play poker once a week with the guys. That's about it. It's sort of strange. I know that I should be around people, and not so secluded. But right now, there's so much swirling around in my head. In some respects, I'm just tired. I need to figure out a lot of things.

I think that I've lost touch with God. And to some extent, I've been okay with that. I'm not really sure what I need to do. The intellectual Christian is still present, and as alive as ever. I don't know if you ever lose touch with the things that you read in scripture. The person that sees God as Lord and master is still there. I am okay with following and obeying in terms of the disciplines that we're called to. But the person that sees God as redeemer and friend? Not so much. Right now, God isn't personal. He just is. I don't deny His existence, nor do I discredit His power. I just am too blind to see that it directly affects me.

I need to figure out what God really means. We're told things about how to live. Some of these make very much sense, while others seem just strange or unobtainable. I need to figure out what it means for me to live like I'm following the almighty God, and not just giving it lip service. I wonder if I'm just bored. Who knows.

Anyway, it's bedtime - up and at 'em tomorrow - take care of some work in the morning, go lift in the early afternoon, catch some lunch, and then work until I go to the volleyball match at night. Until next time.

-Chairman