Freedom Isn't Free

The good folks at the New York Times tell me that my main man, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is apparently in the middle of an election. Now, I don't know what sort of crazy talk this is, but this can't be good for business. First Mugabe, now now Ahmadinejad. Very sad to see you heroes fade. All I know is that when I become supreme ruler for life of some backwater nation (tentative name - The People's Republic of Chairman-istan), there won't be elections. At least not for my job.

One thing that's very important for any election - cool looking banners.

There is some good news. First, my guy totally won the election. But even that was with some problems. It was pretty tight - the good guys only got 62.9% of the vote! I mean, this is a lot better than Obama did. But the problem is that historically, when dictators win elections, it's generally 100%, with a few abstains. So only getting 62.9% is a little disconcerting. But in any case, I'm sure that all of the college kids who worked so hard on the reelection campaign are still partying in the streets.

"Rock-Till-You-Drop" After-Election StreetFest. Starts outside the Union. Refreshments will be served.


There will be a rock throwing contest, beginning at 8pm. Only students with ID are eligible for prizes.


The bonfire starts at 10pm. S'Mores will be available.

Another noteworthy aspect of this election is the turnout. Apparently only 85% of the eligible voters in Iran came out to be a part of the coronation. Once again, these numbers are a little off from historical trends in elections for dictator. Anything short of 99% is pretty much unacceptable. You can't get to 100% - a few of the dissidents tend to "disappear" right around election day. But anyone who is able to vote should be voting...

Now who wants to be the next to vote for me? Okay, you ma'am with the burka. No, the other one.

Of course, what's more disturbing is that apparently they let women vote. And non-land owners. This is a huge mistake. When I start running things in Chairman-istan, I will take my cue from the American founding fathers. The only people who vote are male land-owners who look and think like me. That keeps the numbers down, and makes counting the votes easier. I fully expect to win most elections 43 to 0.

But I guess that you can't get everything to fall your way. And let's not dwell on the bad things. There were definitely some good things. For example, this idea of a secret ballot was quashed. Transparency in the voting process is crucial for a society that is built on integrity.

Psst... who are you voting for? Really?

What's nice is that if you have an open, transparent voting process, it's so much easier to make sure the election results turn out the way they should.

Another satisfied voter, though it took him a couple tries to get it right. Over 42 voters served nation-wide.

All in all, we'll call this a draw for my guy Ahmadinejad. But at the very least, I've got a little better playbook for when The People's Republic of Chairman-istan is up and running.

-Chairman