Our Lives in Quotes

Thinking back a couple weekends at Christian's wedding, there were a couple quotes that just popping up over and over again. I'll give you one of the quotes, and then try to explain:

"That would be the perfect time to scratch yourself."

At the rehearsal, we were just complete idiots pretty much laughing at everything. The little room that we were going to be in before we walked out had these bongo drums in there, so I was just banging away like a moron. This was definitely a sign of things to come. At one point, after the pastor told us about how we needed to not lock out legs so that we'd keep from passing out, Mikey and I threatened to flex every muscle of our body and hold our breaths until we pased out. Of course, a couple minutes later, Curran (who was an usher and didn't hear our exchange) walks up and offers $5 to us if we pass out at the wedding. After a few minutes, there was a part of the ceremony where we were going to have our backs to the crowd (words on the screen for a worship song). Mikey goes, "This would be the perfect time to scratch yourself." Without missing a beat, I start scratching my ass and say, "Good call, baby." Our friend Ryan leans over and whispers, "I think he meant the other side."

"It's incredible that we're still single!"

I think that weekend was really a prime example of TFS at its finest. Basically, me, Mikey, and Curran were on our A games, if the game was how to not impress women. I think that the best example of this was at the rehearsal dinner. The area that we were in had like 6 tables of 8. When we got there, there was a table full of Kelly's friends, and a table full of family. So, we sit down at the table next to Kelly's friends, who promptly start to ignore us (which was legit, considering our show at the rehearsal earlier). Eventually, more people come, and there had to be a little re-arranging done with the seating. First, we all get moved to the table in the middle with Kelly, Christian, and the immediate family, before they realized that we weren't really fit to be placed at the "grown-up" table, especially next to the grandmothers. For heaven's sake, there's probably even money that we cause a heart attack. Then more immediate family comes and they found a good reason to have us moved again. Long story short, they had filled up all of the other tables, except for our table, the one in the far corner. Once again, me, Mikey and Curran are off in the corner by ourselves. And deservedly so. You sort of want to keep us away from older folks or small children.

"And we haven't even been drinking!"

The next day before the wedding, we were trying to figure out how to do our gifts (checks). We remembered our little fiasco back at Jessica's wedding in January. Basically, at that wedding, we were trying to decide on how much to give, so we didn't have our checks written out. Mikey was firm on basing the payout on whether or not there was open bar, so after we discovered that the beer would flow like water, we started writing out the checks and signing the card. Only we discovered that we didn't have the envelope. So Mikey goes back to the car to look for it. All he could come up with is the envelope to my invitation which I had in the car. He promptly scratches out my name from the envelope and writes in, "To Jess and Justin." Yep. Classy. That's us. Of course, Nick was off chatting with friends, so we hunted him down, and asked him to write the check. He tells us that he'll write it in a second. Mikey doesn't hear that, and instead thought that Nick told him to just write it out for him. Naturally, Mikey just goes back, writes out the check for Nick and signs it. We stuff everything into the envelope, reseal it (thank God we didn't have to tape it back shut) and drop it off with the gifts.

So, we decide to pull a similar stunt at Christian's wedding. None of us had gotten a card yet, but at the rehearsal, Christian had given us these little thank you cards along with our gifts. So what do we do? We decide that these cards were good enough. We start scratching out the various pronouns that Christian had wrote about us and replaced them with pronouns that would be about him and inserting random comments throughout the note. Of course, Christian walks in as Mikey's working on his card and asks, "Are you scratching out my card?" "Uh. Yeah?"

Wow. As we start to laugh hysterically, explaining what we were doing, all he could do was roll his eyes, shake his head, and leave. Of course, we couldn't just leave it alone with the card. I had my entire checkbook with me, so I started writing out checks for random amounts and putting them into the envelope with my doctored card. I think that I wrote out 6 checks for a total of $83.68, each with something random on the memo line like "Kelly is hot." All this while being completely sober.

It's a wonder that Christian hasn't called any of us since the honeymoon.

-Chairman