Project Self: Getting Iron in the Diet
I've been doing some soul-searching last night and tonight. I have been asking myself the question, "What do I want my life to look like?" And I continually arrive at the same answer. Which is, "I have no idea."
I find myself caught in a strange situation to which I am unaccustomed. I think that I am generally a team-oriented guy. But I have no team for which to fight. I am at a stage of my life where everyone in my life is either an individual-focused person, or is on a team with which I don't really care to play for. I have this uneasy feeling that I am slowly going insane when I look around me and see people refusing to acknowledge their shortcomings, and look for new ways to do things. It drives me nuts when I see people have such terrible processes that their outcomes are almost guaranteed to be negative. I hate it when people are too weak, scared, lazy, etc. to make changes in their life, even after they realize that where they are is awful. And when they bitch and complain? I do all that I can not to get angry or outright mean.
And I hate it that I see all of this in myself.
There is very little here to push me in the ways that I have been used to. I have always thrived when I have someone who understands the metagame of life. Someone who can see things from a bird's eye view and can push me in the right directions. Some people hate being told how to do things. And I do to. But only for things that I have mastered. When it is for things that I have not mastered, I love it. My goal is for continual improvement in all that I do. And I am keenly interested in how those processes work. This carries true for areas of career, friendships, romance, hobbies, athletics, whatever.
At this point, I look around my social network. I have a few wonderful mentors for my career. my advisor and a couple other professors have truly helped me improve myself in my approach to learning. At this point, I look around, and somehow, someway, through only happenstance, have I managed to separate myself a bit from the rest of the pack in my program. Over the last 18 months, I've gone from a kid who showed up with a couple random ideas, to someone who is starting to look like they have a program of research for the foreseeable future. Now, most PhD's graduate without a published journal article, and only have a paper or two under review that comes from their dissertation. I've got my publication (though it's only a B-level journal, not the A-level hit that I want to get a couple of). And beyond that, I just realized that I currently have 5 research projects (all somewhat related, but each with different ultimate goals) in play, with at least 1 more that will be developed from my summer paper, and with 2 more that I am already planning to build off of a current project. And another of the projects has the potential for spawning at least 3 different projects. It's strange to think like this, but I'll have a chance at have 8 journal submissions, in the near future. Of these, 3 or 4 will be attempts at the top journals. And all of this before my dissertation kicks off. The funny thing is, I really don't think that I'm working all that hard. I enjoy what I do, but I don't get myself buried in it. I've left myself time to work out regularly. I've left myself time to relax. And I've left myself time to see friends and make new friends. I credit this to the people who have taken an interest and pushed me to this point. There's still so much more to do. But despite being at a competitive place (turns out we're ranked #21 in the latest marketing rankings in U.S. News) going up against other smart people, I don't have any fear.
Where I am afraid is with everything else. When it comes to making myself a better person, I don't have much coaching. It's funny. In academia, I have so far to go to succeed, yet I am entirely unfazed by the task. For becoming a better person, I can see some things here and there I want to change. I think that I'm a decent guy who's generally on top of his game. I think that most would characterize me as a 'good' person, and most folks like hanging out with me. But I'm always interested in how I can better myself. There are little things that I want to improve. I want to know what's important and know what's not. I want to be able to know how to control my desires so that what I desire is ultimately good and fruitful. And I want to know how to make those things happen. And it's utterly frustrating that I can make it happen like I want to. It's strange, but I think that I have the same conclusion that I had 3 years ago. I don't have a mentor when it comes to life. The one person that does push me is DE. But even that is very domain-specific, generally related to social networking. We do well in the things that we try, but that's somewhat limited. And really, where it's been helpful isn't so much in helping me learn new ways, but rather helping me understand that I can bring techniques from other areas of life into this area. I think that whatever improvements I have been able to manage have been entirely self-driven.
How long can this last, before regression begins? I have no idea. Of course, part of the change over the last few months is finally understanding the point that Morpheus was trying to make when he asks Neo, "You think that's air you're breathing now?" We each of a self-concept that's been formed through years of experience and environment. There are many parts of our self-concept that are useful. But there are many parts that are dysfunctional. If you can strip yourself of your self-concept, you have a chance to rebuild yourself, psychologically. You can maintain the good, but discard the bad. Generally, people like to say that conventional thinking is "inside the box" while unconventional thinking is "outside the box." I am fully convinced that there is no box. I have no limits in what I can do. And as long as I am honest with myself, I can take that path in an entirely positive way. I can see things and see where I am deficient and see how I can improve. And this is freeing.
But I wonder how long it will be before I slowly start to lie to myself. At which point, things break down.
I've always dug Proverbs. 27:17 is one that's good... As iron sharpens iron... so one man sharpens another. I need to find some iron.
-Chairman
5 comments:
Enjoyed the post. I commend you for wanting to have an open online dialogue regarding your "Project Self." I suppose I could just pat you on the back and say, "Keep up the good work" or I could quibble with the parts that don't make sense. I'm guessing you'd prefer that I do the latter, so here goes...
>> I think that I am generally a team-oriented guy. <<
Hmm... I can only agree with this if I know how you are defining "team-oriented." In general, if someone asks me if so-and-so is "team-oriented," I'm assuming that they're asking if this person is a good team player (i.e., able to fall in line and get on the same page with what the team is trying to accomplish; someone who will not rock the boat; someone who is willing to put the group's agenda above their own.) Under this definition, you're about as team-oriented as Bill Gates. Or put more bluntly, I don't see you as a team player, but as a team coach.
Granted, I'm not around you on a daily basis, but just from general observations over the years let's look at the evidence:
a) Back when I was in I-Life, I remember you led an HF group.
b) In fantasy sports, you're almost always the commish, set the rules, and have the final say.
c) Basketball? The point guard bringing the ball up and directing the offense.
d) Football? QB.
e) Enjoy taking charge in the kitchen--have long talked about possibly running your own restaurant.
f) You do a heckuva lot of writing--and I'm guessing that most of it is done outside the context of a "team."
g) And if that's not enough, just look at your own blog name.
For the most part, I'm probably preaching to the choir here. I know that you're aware of your leadership tendencies.
>> Some people hate being told how to do things. And I do too. But only for things that I have mastered. <<
Is this 100% true? I think there's a lot more going on there than meets the eye.
Overall, my point is simple. There are many different types of people in this world and that's a good thing. You have long struck me as the type who has both the desire and the ability to lead in *almost* anything you do. (Yes, you desire and need a mentor. We all do. But both your desire and need for a mentor are vastly different from most people's.) And as with anyone else, your gifts and strengths can be used for good or bad reasons.
A few months ago, a friend of mine who's an entry-level business professional told me that some day he'd "like to run things and run them in a big way." He was referring to the fact that he'd like to be the boss. It's noteworthy that he wasn't telling me this because he desires to tell people what to do and not have to answer to anybody; instead, he wants to be the boss because he has a vision as to how things should be and he figures the only way that can be achieved is if he's the boss (i.e., run things in a big way).
Regarding my leadership desires, I'm all over the map. For instance, I have no desire for a leadership or even consultative role at the food pantry that I try to help out. Admittedly, this might be a bad thing, but for now, I'm content with just showing up and doing what I'm told--filling in where needed. At my job, I'd say I have about a 20% leadership / 80% follower split; and I like it that way. I'd say I have a similar split with the church group I'm currently in--I'm not the leader but the leader does ask me for advice occassionally or gives me leadership duties from time to time. Then there's the issue of my side projects that are totally on my own. For these cases, I'm the decision maker every step of the way and personally that's a nice change of pace compared to other aspects of my life.
Your post touched on many complicated issues, and I'm running out of energy on this comment already. So I'll conclude with two questions: Do you want to run things in a big way? Is that necessarily a bad thing?
Hey, I just realized that my Bill Gates comparison could easily be misunderstood. I was only referring to the fact that in almost anything Bill Gates gets involved in, he wants to be the leader who sets the agenda. (And one could argue that he has a good reason for this.)
Wow. As much as I would love to be able to take credit for the Bill Gates attribution, I don't know if I can, fully. That dude's awesome.
When I say "team-oriented" what I mean is that I want to make the people around me better and I want the people around me to make me better. I don't know - I don't think that I'm a glory hound. I don't need the adulation of the masses. And I'd prefer to have the people around me get credit from outsiders for our success. And, I think that I do a decent job deflecting blame on to myself when things go poorly. I always think that's the sign of someone who's team-oriented.
In volleyball, the hitters get the glory. In hoops, it's all about the scoring guard. That's part of the demeanor that I try to carry as a setter, as a point guard. And in football, I know full well that it was Mike Mecozzi and Randy Payleitner who made the team go. It was just my job to distribute the ball around. They were the studs on that team. I just dropped back and threw the ball as far as I could and let them run under it. Overall, I'd say that what role that I tend to be best is to set tempo, and to get people involved.
I thrive when there's a dialogue in the planning. I'm generally pretty malleable there. But there are things that you can see that are obviously wrong and won't work. I'm not interested in discussing those things - that doesn't make anyone better. I'm interested in discussing the things that could go in multiple directions, finding out what the main effects are, and what potential interactions could arise. Maybe that makes me Bill Gates. I sort of hope so...
When it gets to the execution stage, I'll buy your observation w/out objection.
I don't know how much I need to run things in a "big way." I'm sort of laissez faire, really, with regard to the World around me. But within my sphere of influence, it would be sort of silly to let the market play itself out when you can intelligently design it to work better.
Like I said - all of this is a work in progress to see where I really am, where I want to get to, and how I can get there.
Love the commentary, man.
-Chairman
>>Love the commentary, man.<<
Well, I comment because I care. =)
I enjoyed reading your follow-up. My hunch is that 20 years from now you'll be leading something, somewhere. Maybe you'll be teaching and leading research in academia; maybe you'll open your own restaurant; or perhaps you'll be throwing chairs and screaming at refs as you guide the Illini to the Final Four.
Who knows? (But part of the fun is the mystery...)
Wow, thanks for such an honest searching post, Chairman. The search for peers (and mentors) can seem overwhelming at times when there doesn't seem to be anyone who is at the level we desire to interact at. That's the honest truth sometimes. I appreciate your openness in that struggle.
Thanks for the articulate response as well, Greg. You're wise beyond what you admit. We can all learn from what you have to say.
Like I said - all of this is a work in progress to see where I really am, where I want to get to, and how I can get there.
And this is just it. Sometimes it's a long process and a struggle, but I pray that you guys (and I) someday can look back and say, "Hey, I've made real progress." If there's anything I can do to help y'all, let me know.
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