Matthew 28:19

You Don't Know What You've Got Until It's Gone

Not me, for once. I'm sad to report that I've been missing the show on the Quad for the last few days. We've had the return of the fundamentalist Christian fanatics. Back in the day, it was Mad Max. Then there was some other dude, Preacher Dan, I think. And now, apparently, we have this hillbilly family that's coming into the big city (yeah, I mean Champaign-Urbana) to tell us all that we're going to Hell. Not just the gays, or the Jews or the Muslims, or the immoral. But all of us. Even the new-age evangelical.

I'm not saying that they're wrong. I'm not even saying that their delivery is off. And I'm not even saying that... well... hmmm. I think that they may be on to something. Maybe this whole teaching on God's love paradigm isn't working. Maybe Hell, fire, and brimstone is making a comeback. I mean, retro is cool, isn't it? This is totally retro. Hello, Dante. Goodbye, Billy Graham.

Here's the thing. These guys have an interesting position. They're not saying, "Repent, for God loves you." They're not even saying, "Repent, for the end is near." They're saying, "You're on the losing team. Suckers." Instead of wasting all this energy trying to get people "saved," they're simply happy that they're on the winning team. Think of it as gloating. Or an end zone celebration.

There May Not Be A "ME" In "Team," But There's An "I" In "Win."

That may be why I've sort of liked these kooks in the past. They're sort of happy that they're on the winning team, and they're letting you know that you're on the losing team. Kind of like my guy, Chad Johnson. What better way to celebrate a victory than Riverdancing in front of the losing team and their fans? How cool was it when Terrell Owens pulled that Sharpie out of his sock and autographed that ball after he scored a touchdown? Or when he posed twice on the Dallas star?

And maybe that's the sort of message that will finally reach people in this modern age. I mean, how much of a bandwagon effect do you see out there? A huge one. How many White Sox fans were there in early September, when they were on the verge of an all-time collapse? And how many were there in late October? Exactly. So could it be that to really get people to believe in the God message (or at least ponder it), that you need to show that you're on the winning team? And what better way to show that than to tell people that they're on the losing team? I can't think of one, either.

Here's the thing. These bold, borderline insane Quad preachers are probably considered by most to be extreme. But really, what's wrong with just being extreme? And you may say that they're message is too harsh. But I don't think that they're saying that everyone else is bound for Hell, with no alternative. How do you think that they would respond to someone who sincerely asked, "I've led a sinful life. What must I do to be saved?" I have a suspicion that they are actually giving a pretty standard message. I think that they're just giving the same message a different tone. And I wonder how much people have watered down the perceived nature of God by not offering a true reflection of the justice and wrath of God?

What bothers me is that our evangelical "Christians" go off and label these folks as wackos who are setting back their agenda by years. I really don't think that's the case at all. In fact, I would be awfuly curious to see, percentage-wise, the "hit rate" of Quad preachers like these guys versus the church at large. Let's get to it. How many converts will these guys win? One a year? Two? But if there's only 4 of these guys, that's a pretty good hit rate. Think of it this way. Even if they only get 1 convert a year, from the efforts of these 4, how does that compare to the efforts of a campus church. Rather favorably, I'd imagine. First of all, a church of 100 people would need to get 25 new converts per year. And if you factor in the time that is spent in God's name to win one of these converts? I think that it favors the Quad preachers even more.

And it gets more interesting. I have a suspicion that the converts that these guys get would be more devoted and pious than the typical convert that you would get in a normal church. What's the attrition rate in the church? What's the level of devotion that you see? How would you characterize the level of devotion of one of these Quad preachers? What would you expect from one of their converts who become disciples? After 3 years, how would the hit rates compare?

Overall, here's my best guess. If you believe that God has a plan for this world, and part of it includes reaching the non-believeing, then you have to figure out how to reach them. Different messages work in different settings on different people. I think that with something like, say, Intelligent Design, you offend as many people as you do with crazy Quad Preachers. But here's the thing. You'll likely offend different people. And at the same time, you'll ring true with different people. It seems that people want to treat the evangelistic method as a cookie-cutter. Something where you have a "best-practice." I don't think that's how it works.

I think that the Uzi method works best as a first cut. Lots of different approaches from lots of different people to a lot of different targets. And after you get a hit, you can then go in with a more precise weapon. Like a tack hammer.

Anyway, it's bedtime. So, next time you see a Quad preacher, rather than just shake your head in disgust, or try to argue that you're not going to Hell, or whatever, how about just asking them sincerely how you can be saved. Then you can figure out if they're a kook, or they're just using a different style to say the same message. Or, you can just make fun of them for dressing funny.

-Chairman